Faking it till you drift away
For as long as I can remember, I’ve kept my true emotions to myself. It wasn’t that I couldn’t express them well enough— I just never wanted to. Emotions always felt private. So, when I needed to show something, I would fake it, offering whatever seemed appropriate for the situation. I didn’t understand why I were like this, until now.
You can’t open up to just anyone. You need someone who cares enough to at least try to understand. Whether they truly get it doesn’t matter as much. If they don’t care, expressing yourself will just feel embarrassing.
So this is what happened. Some point in time long long ago, it felt embarrassing. And I went on airplane mode ever since.
This is not to say that I didn't have genuine people around me. I did. But I’m unlucky in that everyone who cared enough eventually drifted away. They moved abroad, settled in another city, shifted their priorities, or we simply grew apart. Or maybe I was neglectful.
And people I am surrounded by now, I can't connect with them. There has to be a solution to this. The obvious one is to make better friends. But as an adult, it's not that easy. Why isn't it easy to make good friends as an adult? It shouldn't be this way.